Now That He's Gone
by a-little-glimmer
Summary: Dan and Phil get into a car crash one night and are admitted to Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. fairly long oneshot. phan. you can still read if you don't watch grey's. trigger warnings: suicide, mentions of self harm, major character death


**A/N** **:** I'm only on season 8 of Grey's, so I'm sorry if not all the relationships and characters are up to date. Also be aware there may be some spoilers or characters you don't know if you're not at the point in the show I am at. But like I said in the summary, you can still read this fic if you don't watch Grey's Anatomy. This fic is also somewhat inspired by Callie's car crash in season 7. Enjoy!

The shrill whine of the ambulance pierces through the night air. Owen Hunt, Lexie Grey, Christina Yang, and a few other residents wait with anticipation outside the hospital doors. The cry of the vehicle gets closer and closer, until finally an ambulance comes into view and stops in front of the team. "Alright, what do we got?" Hunt yells as the paramedics get out of the ambulance. "Unrestrained passenger in a car crash, 30 year old male, unstable in the field, obvious head and chest injuries," a paramedic answers him as they unload the victim. A second ambulance wails up to parallel the first, and a second young man bursts through the back doors and rushes over to the man on the gurney. "Phil! Phil!" the man shrieks as he approaches. "Sir! Come back, we still need to assess your injuries!" A paramedic from the second ambulance calls after the man. "I'm fine!" he dismisses the concerns quickly and turns back to Phil. "Phil, baby, are you okay?" "He can't hear you, he's unconscious. Now, sir, you need to get out of the way," Hunt says to the man. He reluctantly moves and Hunt, Yang, and a few other residents push the older man through the doors of the hospital.

"Take him to Trauma One!" Hunt instructs the team as they rush through the ER. Dan watches as the doors swing shut, sealing Phil inside. "Alright, sir, please, we have to examine you now," a paramedic addresses him. "I told you, I'm fine!" Dan says he turns back to the paramedic. "I'll admit him into the ER," Lexie Grey reassures the paramedic as she leads Dan into the hospital.

She gets him situated into a bed and begins to assess him. "I'm Dr. Grey, I'll be assigned to your case," she says as she starts to inspect Dan. "I'm Dan Howell," he reluctantly introduces himself. "So how exactly did this happen?" Lexie questions him as she cleans his wounds. Dan winces and replies: "We were driving upstate, up the mountains to Velira Forest for a weekend getaway, and then this car just came out of nowhere," he explains. "Phil didn't have his seatbelt on and.. and he went straight through the windshield." Dan eyes start to water as he relives the memory. "I'm sorry. I'm sure he'll be fine, though. We have excellent doctors here," Lexie tries to comfort him.

A little while later, Lexie finally dismisses him. "Well, you were right, you are fine. Only a couple scrapes," she says while smoothing out a bandage. "Just fill out some more paperwork and you can be discharged. We can also keep an eye on you while you're visiting.. Phil, was it?" Dan just nods. "Alright." Lexie gives him a slight smile before turning and walking away. Dan sighs and turns to the clipboard handed to him, scrawling the pen on the paper in his loopy handwriting. Finally he completes every sheet, Dr. Grey comes back to sign off on everything, and he strides out of the bed to the desk in the center of the room. "Um, I have discharge paperwork filled out?" He tells the receptionist. "Name please?" The woman (Lisa, from her nametag) says dully, taking the clipboard out of Dan's hand. "Daniel Howell?" "Ah, right, thank you." The receptionist types a couple things on her computer, clacks a couple more buttons, and finally tells Dan everything is set and he can go.

"Erm, actually, I came here with my boyfriend, Phil Lester? Can you tell me where he is?" He asks hopefully. Lisa sighs and returns to her desktop. "Apparently he's in OR 2 right now.." she says. "What?!" "His injuries were too severe and they had to rush him in for an emergency surgery," she reads from her computer. "Oh, god.. well do you know when he'll be done?" "I'm sure someone will be out to give you an update," Lisa says with a forced smile before directing him to the waiting room.

Dan reluctantly follows her instructions to the large foyer lined with chairs on the walls. He sits for only a minute before getting up to pace up and down a line of chairs, thoughts worrying his mind. "Um, excuse me, sir?" A lady, probably around 40 years old, sitting near Dan calls for his attention. "Oh, um, yes?" He responds after a couple seconds, just now realizing the woman was talking to him. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. You seem very worried," she says sympathetically. Dan walks closer to the woman and sits across from her. "Yes, thank you, I am. It's just, my boyfriend got rushed into surgery a little while ago and I'm really nervous about it," he says. "Oh, I'm sorry! My husband is in surgery as well, but it's just a regular appendectomy, so he should be alright," she muses. "I'm Susan, by the way." "Dan," Dan replies, holding a hand out for her to shake.

"Have you called anyone? A family member, or a friend to wait with you?" Susan asks kindly. "No, I haven't," Dan murmurs, "would you excuse me for a moment?" Susan nods with a small smile, and Dan stands and walks a couple feet away. He runs through a list people he could call while he pulls out his phone. _A family member or a friend_ , Dan repeats the woman's words. Of course, the first person that comes to his mind is Phil... Seconds later, Dan is hurriedly deleting the few numbers he had put in, blinking back tears and mentally berating himself. Dan spends the next few minutes calling Phil's family and their other friends, dismissing any concerns they may have had towards himself.

With a deep sigh, Dan returns to the chair across from Susan. "How did it go, dear?" She inquires. "Alright, I think," Dan says. "Phil's parents are out of town at the moment, so they aren't going to be here until at least tomorrow, and some of our friends said they would be right over when they got a chance." "And Phil is your boyfriend?" Susan confirms. "Oh, yes, sorry." Dan realizes he never told Susan Phil's name. "That's all right." A reassuring smile appears on her face, and the two settle into a silence that could only be formed by their delicate relationship - a forced one, only taken shape out of necessity as each waits for another, in the presence of the other.

* * *

About a couple hours later, Dan is casually relaxing in a chair. Susan had left a while ago once a doctor had come and told her that her husband was out of surgery. "Good luck, Dan! If you need me, don't hesitate to contact me. I would love to hear how Phil is doing!" She had said, handing him a business card with her phone number on it. Although this woman was overly kind, so much so Dan was a bit taken aback at her generosity, he had quickly come to love the sweet, motherly lady.

Another hour passes. Some of Dan and Phil's friends had stopped by and chatted for a bit, but after no word for a while, they had left to carry on with their busy schedules. So, with no one for company, Dan was left alone in the waiting room.

Still later, Dan's body was tired but his mind was left buzzing, keeping him awake with anxious thoughts around Phil. Finally, a doctor entered the waiting room in his scrubs. "Daniel Howell?" He calls. Dan stands and they walk toward each other. "Yes, that's me. Is this about Phil?" A pained look crosses the doctor's face, but he relaxes back into neutral expression, and continues. "Yes. I'm Derek Shepherd, head of neurosurgery here at Seattle Grace." "A neurosurgeon? Why were you operating on Phil?" Dan questions.

"Well, due to the accident, he had some pretty severe brain injuries. However, our team didn't realize it until.. until it was too late."

Dan's eyes widen and his jaw goes slack. "Un.. until it was too late?" Dan quotes, despair written all over his face. "They paged me in to help, but.." he trails off. "I'm sorry. He died in surgery," Dr. Shepherd says, lowering his head slightly in respect.

It doesn't fully register for a couple seconds. Then it all comes flowing out of him. Dr. Shepherd looked up after a couple seconds upon not hearing anything, only to see tears streaming down Dan's face. "I know this isn't what you were planning on hearing. I'm very sorry for your loss," he says. Dan just stands there, crying for a couple moments more in the middle of the waiting room, every thought pushed out of his mind. Except for one.

 _He's gone._

Dan barely registers footsteps pattering up to him. "Derek! What did you say to him?!" Dan looks up after hearing the familiar voice - It's Lexie Grey. "Lexie?" Dan manages to croak out. "Shh, no, no, don't try to talk," she says, putting her hands on his shoulders and leading him away from Dr. Shepherd. Derek whispers something in her ear, presumably the news about Phil. One can see Lexie's reaction to the news, and she nods at another whisper before Dr. Shepherd walks away. "Dan?" Lexie turns her attention back to the sobbing young man. "I am so sorry," she says, enveloping him into her warm arms. Dan leans into her, grateful for the comfort, suddenly wishing Susan was there to hold him too.

Lexie releases Dan after a couple moments once she feels his body stop shaking. "Is there anyone else here for Phil?" Dan shakes his head. "His parents are out of town, and our friends left a while ago," he whispers. "If you want to see Phil again, we can wait until they come back to help support you," Lexie says softly. "No, this is something that should be private. I don't want them there when I'm with Phil for the last time." Dan takes a deep, shuddering breath and wipes the last tears off his face.

Lexie just nods thoughtfully, and she begins to lead Dan through the hospital to Phil's room. She stops outside a door, with the windows looking into the room blocked by the blinds. Finally, Dr. Grey opens it and they walk inside.

Phil is laid on the bed, looking very small underneath the thin sheet. Dan slowly walks to his bedside and settles into a chair. "I'll leave you alone for a little while. I'll be right outside if you need me," Lexie says delicately. On her way out the door, she opens up the shades halfway and leaves the door open a crack. Phil's room was right near the center of the floor, so just a little ways down the hall was the main counter. Lexie heads here, and she leans against it, still in full view of Phil's room. A couple moments later, Meredith Grey approaches the counter. "Hey, Lexie," she says, then turns to the nurse at the counter. "Can I have Mrs. Thunderson's chart please? Room 148?" As the nurse searches for the chart, Meredith turns back to Lexie. "How are you?"

"Not great," Lexie says with a sigh. "Two men came into the ER a couple hours ago, and one of them died in surgery. I evaluated the other one when he first came in, and now I'm waiting for him to say goodbye to his boyfriend." She gestures to Phil's room, where Dan is visible, speaking softly to Phil with his hand over Phil's underneath the sheet.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Meredith responds with a sympathetic look. "Will you be okay waiting for him?" "Yeah, I'm fine," Lexie replies gratefully. Meredith leaves after picking up the requested chart from the nurse. Lexie decides to look over her own charts, so she gathers the cases to check on her patients' progress, glancing up every minute or so to check on Dan. Around 10 minutes later, Lexie decides to go check on Dan again.

"Dan? How are you doing?" She asks, knocking lightly on the door as she pushes it open. "I've said all I needed to say," he responds emotionlessly, as if all of his feelings had been used up. Lexie sits in the chair next to Dan. "Are you ok?" She questions him. "I.. I don't know." Dan says. Then he changes the subject. "Do you know why we were going on vacation this weekend?" He waits for Lexie to shake her head, then continues. "It was our one-year anniversary. I was going to ask him to marry me tonight, and there's no doubt in my mind he was going to say yes," Dan says in that same blank tone of voice, pulling a velvet box out of his pocket.

Lexie takes a sharp inhale and turns away from Dan for a second to brush a tear from her eye. "Can I see it?" She says hesitantly, turning back to Dan. He holds out the box for Lexie to take, and she opens it to reveal a pair of beautiful silver rings. Cautiously, she takes a ring out and delicately reaches to uncover Phil's hand from beneath the sheet. Then very gently, she slides the ring onto Phil's ring finger. "There. I hope you don't mind," Lexie says softly. "No, I don't," Dan says thoughtfully. "Can I have your hand?" She asks quietly. Shaking, Dan holds out his hand and Lexie slips the second ring onto his finger. "There," She says again. "Thank you," Dan's murmurs as he stares at the hand.

They sit there for a minute more, mourning Phil's death and the relationship he and Dan would've had. "Is there anyone who could take you home? A family member, perhaps? I don't think you should be alone tonight," Lexie breaks the stillness in the air. "No. Phil was my family. Now that he's gone, I.. I don't know what I'll do." Dan looks down, and Lexie follows his gaze to catch a glimpse of faint scars, looking to be about a year old, etched into his skin all along his forearms.

Lexie gasps, unable to stop her mind from drawing to conclusions. "Dan, can I keep you for another night?" she asks. "No," Dan says, looking up into her eyes. "Why?" "I..I'm worried you're going to hurt yourself." Lexie hesitantly reaches a hand out, before quickly drawing it back in. Dan abruptly stands, then stills, turns toward the door, then turns back to Phil's bed and Lexie, as if unsure what he was doing. "I might," he says bluntly. "Phil was my life.. when you took his life away, you took mine, too." Lexie stands. "Dan, please. I'm really worried about you. Just stay one more night." Dan shakes his head slowly. "No. I'm not staying here any longer." He glances back down at Phil's body. "You already signed the discharge papers. I'm not a patient here anymore." With one last, almost thoughtful, calculating look at Phil, Dan turns and disappears.

* * *

Lexie stares at her alarm clock, watching the minutes tick by until finally it reaches 5am. Lexie quickly shuts off the alarm and swings her feet out of bed. After a restless night (she was only able to fall asleep in small intervals), she gratefully walks downstairs.

"Morning, Lexie." Meredith looks up from pouring a glass of milk to greet her sister. "Hey," she replies quietly. "How did you sleep?" "Just awful. For some reason, I just can't keep Dan out of my mind." She rubs a hand wearily on her forehead. "I'm sorry. Hey, grab a plate and sit down with me. I made eggs," Meredith suggests. "No, I.. I should get to the hospital soon. Gotta pick up some good cases, you know?" Lexie apologizes. "Of course, sure. See you there."

Lexie downs a glass of water before quickly changing into some clothes upstairs. As she walks back down the stairs, Meredith calls from the kitchen, "Hey, can you grab the newspaper and mail from outside?" "Sure." So Lexie opens the front door and picks up the thick stack of papers waiting on the front doorstep. She heads back into the kitchen and throws the mail on the table, but stops to read the headline of the newspaper. Suddenly, Lexie lets out a small yelp and drops the paper on the floor.

Meredith quickly looks up from her spot at the table. "What?! What, what is it?" Lexie leans down and picks the paper up, shaking, while Meredith stands and walks over to her, and they read the article together.

 _Last night in the neighboring Velira Forest region, locals reported a car idling in the middle of the road winding up the mountain, causing a few cars to be held up. As one local got out of their car to see why the car was stopped ("there was no room to go around", he said) the man in the car drove off the side of the mountain into the ravine. The local called the police immediately, and a rescue team trekked down the valley to help the man. However, he was proclaimed dead on site. Experts confirmed this man was Daniel Howell. When the police investigated the unusual behavior of Howell, they discovered he had been admitted to, and discharged from, Seattle Grace Hospital just hours earlier. When our reporters questioned the hospital about Howell's admittance, we received this statement from Dr. Derrick Shepherd, head neurosurgeon:_

 _"Yes, Daniel Howell was admitted just a couple hours ago with his boyfriend.. Phillip Lester, I believe his name was. They had been in a car crash near.. Velira Forest? I think that's what my sister-in-law, Lexie Grey told me.. Dan [Howell] was fine, but my patient [Lester] died in surgery. Lexie told me she wanted to do a psych exam on Dan [Howell] after the death, but he had already been discharged before Phil [Lester] died, so she had no grounds to keep him at the hospital."_

 _Unfortunately, we were unable to get in touch with Dr. Lexie Grey after talking to Shepherd. However, upon hearing Shepherd's statement, our top officers conclude Howell's death was a suicide - with the recent death of his boyfriend, Shepherd's report that the leading doctor on Howell's case (Dr. Lexie Grey) wanted to conduct a psychological exam on him, and the fact that the location Howell chose to commit his tragic act was also the site of the car crash ultimately resulting in Lester's death, the entire investigative team is in agreement on this. Our thoughts go out to the families of these two men and their untimely ends._

~fin

 **A/N:** So I hope you liked this fic! Don't forget to review, and favorite if you enjoyed! Thanks for reading! ~lily


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